


Lavender Brown, Afterlife Guide

by Chelonie



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Afterlife, Afterlife Guide, Battle of Hogwarts, Best Friends, Canonical Character Death, Crack, Divination, Gen, Ghosts, Gossip, Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil were totally awesome and I will die on this hill, Limbo, Platform 9 3/4
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:34:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26770726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chelonie/pseuds/Chelonie
Summary: "Lavender, you were Hermione's roommate, and Ron's girlfriend, but... you and I aren't really close. Why are you my afterlife guide?"Harry expected to see his parents in the afterlife, or Sirius. But Lavender Brown? What?!
Relationships: Lavender Brown & Parvati Patil
Comments: 8
Kudos: 87





	Lavender Brown, Afterlife Guide

Harry didn't know what he had expected to happen after Voldemort killed him. Well, yes, he'd expected to be with Mum and Dad and Sirius. 

He hadn't expected to be tackle hugged by Ron's ex-girlfriend, Lavender Brown, who was squealing, "HARRY!" so loudly that his ears hurt.

(How could his ears hurt when he was _dead?_ That made no sense!)

Welp, basically nothing made sense anymore. Because really. Lavender Brown? What was she doing in his afterlife, squealing in his ear?

"I am so totally glad that I got to be the one to greet you! Everyone _wanted_ to, you know, but there are rules."

"Rules?" Harry said weakly.

Lavender finally let go of him, and Harry was able to look past her hair and her curves. Her... extremely ample... curves. He was in... some sort of celestial version of Platform 9 3/4. He staggered over to a bench to sit down and... ugh... there seemed to be some sort of... rodent, or something... nesting under the bench. A murtlap maybe? He'd gotten an OWL in CoMC, he ought to know these things. But he didn't know, and he figured he'd go to a different bench to be safe. In case it was the biting sort of creature. What was it doing in his after life anyway? He didn't remember Lavender having a murtlap as a pet, but maybe she'd gotten one after he'd left on the Horcrux hunt.

Lavender started ticking off the rules. "First, one guide per soul. No more no less. Second, no family members - your Mum and Dad send their love though - because they might influence you too much. Third, time has no meaning, you get as long as you want to decide. Fourth, it has to be someone who is already dead. Fifth, -" 

She was speaking so fast that Harry had to speak over her to get a word in. 

"Lavender, you were Hermione's roommate, and Ron's girlfriend, but... you and I aren't really close. Why are _you_ my guide?"

"Let's see, your parents were ruled out due to rule two. Your godfather is acting guide to Professor Lupin right now, so he couldn't make it. Professor Dumbledore is acting guide to Snape, though that's really against rule sixteen - you aren't supposed to be able to act as guide to someone you have a vendetta against."

"Professor Snape was on our side all along," Harry said. "Even when he killed Dumbledore. It was... Dumbledore was already dying. I just found out like an hour ago."

"O _h! Emm! Gee!_ That is so tragic! So like all year he has been hated by everyone and we all thought he was a Death Eater and he was... Woah, that makes so much sense now! All the times I thought he saw things, and I thought maybe he needed glasses! He was pretending he didn't see us breaking rules! How romantic!" Lavender sighed.

Harry waited for her to go on, but when she did, he wished she hadn't. "You know, Parvati and I used to think you and Snape were having a secret affair, back when you were having 'remedial Potions' in fifth year."

"Eww! No! Gross!" Harry spat. "That is just so wrong!"

"See? There is always so much passion between you and him... Oh! I need to tell you your options. Because if you go on to the afterlife, you might meet him there, and you can carry on where you left off, only without any secrets between you!"

"Er... can we... just... go back to how come it's you? Didn't you just die? How come you're already a guide?"

"Harry, I know you and Ron thought Divination was a joke, but like, for some of us, it's like totally powerful. I knew I was going to die today. Well, I didn't know if it was _today_ today, but I knew that before the end of the year, a werewolf would maul me to death. And Parvati and I cried about it, but then we had my funeral, and then I realised that knowing in advanced is like, really wicked. So I self-studied for my orientation, and when Mr Fortescue came for me, I told him I already knew everything, so he gave me a short quiz to make sure, and then let me go. The guides are like, totally busy today. Even with time not being real, they still get tired."

Lavender, despite being dead, looked just as she had in life - as if she'd just stepped out of a fashion magazine. Harry was certain she couldn't have looked like that in the battle, and certainly not after being mauled by Greyback. She cheerily twirled a lock of hair around one finger as if she hadn't been murdered an hour or two earlier.

"So... you're dead. And I'm dead... and I'm in orientation. To learn... how to be dead."

"Yes! That's exactly it! Now... tell me what you see around you?"

"Platform 9 3/4," Harry said.

"Neat!" Lavender said. "That's a popular one for muggleborns! Everyone sees some sort of like liminal space. Mine was an arch of trees in the village where I grew up. I grew up on like the magical side of the arch, and it wasn't until I was old enough to control my accidental magic and keep secrets that my parents let me go with them through the arch to the muggle side of the village. I was four years old, and I was so fascinated by everything! Though Mr Fortescue said his orientation space was an observatory. He said the first time he looked through a telescope and saw how much more there is out there than we can see on our own, it totally changed his outlook on life."

"But he sold ice cream. And his hobby was history," Harry said, feeling confused.

"Harry! It's. A. _Metaphor_! He saw the stars and it made him want to understand _people_! Don't you see?" Lavender said, waving her hands.

"Er... not really?"

"That's why I already knew my choice before I died. I'm spending a year as an Afterlife Guide, and then I'm going back as a ghost. I'm going to help Sir Nicholas as a fellow Gryffindor House Ghost."

Harry was just growing more and more bewildered by this conversation. "Does he know this?"

"Of course he does! Duh! I wouldn't just show up without warning and make him think I was taking his job! How rude! Besides, don't you think every House should have a male and female House ghost?"

"Lavender... I'm just really confused right now," Harry said. Lavender patted him on the thigh.

"Of course you are. I haven't finished your orientation. Being a ghost is one of your options, and if you want to do that, Nicholas is so friendly. He would be ever so delighted to have you around, though, he's also kind of insecure, so you'll have to remind people that he's the Senior Gryffindor Ghost."

"That's okay. I really don't want to be a ghost."

"That's fine!" Lavender pulled a clipboard out of thin air and drew a line through the first option. "There's reincarnation."

"Coming back as a bug?"

"Oh no! You died a _hero_ , you definitely get to be a person. You can be any intelligent life form you choose. Oooh, you've unlocked other planets - wow, that's rare! If you want to do that, you can fill out a request form, or you can just tick 'Surprise Me' and let the randomiser work. Or you can pick a few options, like 'magical, male, human' and randomise the rest."

"Er... I'm not sure about that one. What about the afterlife?"

"That's a good one! Now, you have two different afterlives. One is afterlife with your friends and family. The other is a blank slate afterlife where you don't know anyone yet."

"How is that different from reincarnation?"

"Because you'll still be you, duh! You won't be a baby. You'll remember your life, but you'll be in the next great adventure. No disease, no death, no war. And if you choose the second version, no running into people you don't like. Immortality is like... totally weird. Nobody gets tired, so if you get in an argument, it can go on for centuries. That's why some people choose the second one. For a fresh start. And you can take that option at any time. I mean, duh, you have forever - you can also reincarnate later too. The one option you only get to take now is ghostliness. That's a one-off, you get a year and a day after time of death only. That's one reason I'm doing it now. I can always go back later and do everything else, but being a ghost? This is my one chance! And besides, Pavarti made me absolutely cross my heart promise I'd come back to be her maid of honour."

Harry imagined being a ghost at Ron and Hermione's wedding. That felt so creepy. "I think I want the family afterlife. Unless I have any other choices?"

Lavender flipped through her clipboard.

"Oh! Oh, this is weird. You have a bunch of classified stuff on your file. Something something blacked out something You-Know-Who's blood and something about your mother's love." She scowled at her clipboard. "Oh please. Harry's mother loved him, but everyone out there today had a mother who loved them too. Except maybe You-Know-Who, because he came out of a cauldron."

"He had a mother. He was once a normal human."

Lavender gasped. "Really?"

"But his mother died in childbirth."

"That is such a cliché!" Lavender said. "Died in childbirth! It's always either the hero or the villain, isn't it?"

"So... my file?" Harry said.

"Okay, I'm going to just read it aloud to you, but a lot of it is blacked out, which means I don't have the clearance for it. So hopefully we can like work it out together. 'Having taken Harry's blood into himself, You-Know-Who is keeping alive subject Lily Evans Potter's protective power over subject Harry Potter — except that the power of Mother's Love (see Love vs Death, Godric's Hollow 1981) is a [redacted] that not only continues to tether subject Harry Potter to life, but gives [redacted] Also, since subject: [redacted] is using [redacted] wand, which by right of conquest belongs to subject: Harry Potter,' Huh, that is a very long redacted bit. And that's all."

"So what does that mean?"

"Harry... I'm so sorry, I really should have let a more experienced Death Guide do your orientation! I just... I mean, we practically grew up together, for six years! I thought it would be easy!"

Harry was terrified that Lavender was about to start crying. "Lavender, it's okay! I mean... it's kind of nice having someone my own age. You've done a great job."

"Really? You're not just saying that?"

Harry forced a smile. "Really, Lavender."

Lavender hugged him hard again. "Oh Harry, you're the best! I just wish I could read those redacted bits. Because remember how sometimes Professor Trelawney predicted you dying young, and other times it was that you would live to be an old man with a huge family? It wasn't just her. Whenever Parvati and I would read your cards, we always got conflicting answers for you. Early death, or long life. I think... I think you aren't entirely dead right now. You might be able to just... go back."

Harry scoffed. "Yeah, but I'll be right in front of Voldemort and his merry men, and he'll just kill me again."

"Or... maybe you'll be able to play dead and surprise him at a critical moment. Finish him off. Then you can return to your friends, live a long life." She sighed. "It's a shame about Professor Snape though. I really think you and him..."

"I'm not hooking up with Snape in my afterlife!"

Lavender clapped her hands. "I totally forgot to ask, and I always wanted to know. Did you and Ron and Hermione ever do it? Like, all three of you?"

"Oh my god, Lavender!"

"You did! Tell me all the details!"

" _No_ we never did! She's like a sister to me!" Harry said.

"So... you and Ron?"

"No!"

"If you're in a fuck or die situation with Ron or Hermione, which do you choose?"

"... I'm already dead."

"Fuck, Marry, Avada- Ron, Hermione, Snape."

"I take back everything nice I've ever said about you Lavender."

"You have to answer the question."

"Not without firewhiskey I don't."

A low table appeared in front of them with a bottle of Ogden's and two shot glasses.

"Your move, Harry!" Lavender said, clapping her hands together.

Harry slammed back his shot of firewhiskey.

"Lavender, I'll see you at Parvati's wedding. I've got a Dark Lord to kill."

He faded away, leaving Lavender at Platform 9 3/4.

"Shoot. I forgot to get him to fill out the Customer Satisfaction Survey!"

* * *

It was a few days after the battle when Harry found Parvati, crying in the Gryffindor Common Room.

"Er... Parvati?"

"Harry?"

"I... I'm sorry about Lavender. I didn't know her very well, but I know she was your best friend."

Parvati nodded, still crying.

"I... saw her. When I.... er... died. She told me that she'll be at your wedding."

Parvati stared at Harry. "You better not be shitting me."

"No, she was my afterlife guide. Everyone else was busy. I think I was her first, but she knew the rules already. She told me my options, then she started asking me... well... kind of intrusive questions."

Parvati laughed. "About you and Ron and Hermione? I told her that you three weren't together, but she always thought it would be romantic if you were."

"Yeah. That. I'm not even sure why I could come back. She didn't have the clearance to explain it to me," Harry said.

Parvati leaned forward. "So what happened? How did you come back?"

Harry winced. "She... kind of kept questioning me so much that I suddenly found myself wishing I was anywhere else, and then, I was just... able to go."

Parvati laughed and laughed. "She annoyed you into leaving your own afterlife! That was Peak Lavender." She hugged Harry tightly. "Thanks for telling me. I just..." her voice hitched. "I knew it was coming. But I still miss her so much."

Harry let her go, and gave her a crooked smile. "Kind of wish I'd gotten to know her better myself. It seems like there was a lot more to her than she let people see on the surface."

"Yeah. Yeah, there is," Parvati said through her tears. "She's my best friend. She always will be."

**Author's Note:**

> When Ron and Lavender were together:
> 
> Lavender: So what about you and Hermione?  
> Ron: Baby, you're the only witch for me...  
> Lavender: And what about Harry?  
> Ron: Eww... he's like one of my brothers?  
> Lavender: _sighs_ Your brothers are all *so* hot.  
> Ron: Could we... not?  
> Lavender: Even Percy... did you know Parvarti and I used to have this whole 'Stern Prefect' fantasy about him?  
> Ron: I'm going to be sick...  
> Lavender: Okay okay, never mind your brothers... it's fuck or die, and you have to pick Hermione or Harry?  
> Ron: Er... Hermione I guess?  
> Lavender: I KNEW IT!!!! You have a thing for her!!!!  
> Ron: No! No! Lav-Lav... you're the only witch for me! I swear!!!!


End file.
